


Secrets

by Gigimadz



Category: Outer Banks (TV)
Genre: Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Fluff and Angst, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Idiots in Love, Love Confessions, Love Triangles, Lust, Multi, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Past Child Abuse, Sex, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-09
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:29:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27973745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gigimadz/pseuds/Gigimadz
Summary: Kie and JJ tried, for two months, to be something that resembled more than friends but it just didn't work, how could it when it was one-sided. So after two months of amazing sex, they called it off, promised to never bring it up again, and go back to being just pogues what they were good at. Now Kie has Ethan, her sweet, and safe new boyfriend. She knows being with JJ will never work, mainly because he doesn't actually want to be in a relationship with her, to him it was just sex and she has to accept that. She has accepted it, that's why she's with Ethan, someone who won't break her heart someone who could love her back. She's moved on, at least that's what she thinks, but what happens when she discovers the truth about JJ's real feelings, will it change things? What if she was wrong to run away so quickly?
Relationships: JJ & Kiara & Pope & John B. Routledge, JJ & Kiara (Outer Banks), JJ & Pope & John B. Routledge, JJ/Kiara/John B. Routledge, JJ/Kiara/Pope (Outer Banks), Sarah Cameron & JJ & Kiara & Pope & John B. Routledge, Sarah Cameron & John B. Routledge
Comments: 3
Kudos: 34





	1. Introductions

“No way” John B laughs, his eyes bright with amusement. I try not to glare as Pope joins in, his laugh lighter, more reserved, more Pope. “There is no way” he adds, his eyes landing back on mine. His smile drops when he notices my serious stare.  
“I don’t see how it’s funny” I drop my gaze to my lap, feeling the irritating sting of my embarrassment soak through me.  
“It’s not funny it’s surprising” Pope speaks up, his amusement stilling as well. I pick at the loose thread hanging from my cut-offs and try not to roll my eyes.  
“Why?” I ask  
“You and Ethan Jameson” John B sounds completely bewildered which only irritated me more. I don’t know why it was so surprising that I was seeing E then! Why was it funny that someone could want me back, even someone as nice as Ethan Jameson?!  
“You and Sarah Cameron” I glare, and he sighs lightly running his fingers through his messy hair.  
“Kie, I wasn’t saying it because he’s too good for you, it’s just weird because you two are so different” he shrugs, his voice lighter more remorseful. I shift, the sand crunches under me. The sun was hot today, beating harshly over my exposed skin. We just got out of the water and I’m already almost fully dry, fucking Outer Banks summers.  
“Well different is good, it’s nice not to have everything in common” I respond. His eyes widen slightly as he moves his gaze over to Pope and JJ. This was part of the reason I didn’t want to tell them! I knew they’d be weird about it. Plus I’m not sure if it’s serious enough yet to introduce our friends to it. It’s been almost a month of us "seeing each other," and yesterday he asked me to be his girlfriend, that’s why I’m telling the boys. Don’t think I could hide a full-ass boyfriend from them, even with how oblivious they can be.  
“How long?” Pope asks, his eyes squinted from the bright sun.  
“Well we’ve been kind of seeing each other for a month now” I answer  
“Jeez Kie” John B laughs, I nudge him with my leg. “You should have told us sooner”  
“I didn’t know if it was serious” I shrug, my cheeks burning. If I was honest I still didn’t feel like it was serious, but we are official now.  
“Now it is?” JJ pipes up suddenly, and I realize he hasn’t said anything since I’ve broached the subject.  
“Well, he asked me yesterday to be his girlfriend” I explain, keeping my eyes on the sand that coats my thigh. The other reason I didn’t want to tell them was because of JJ. With JJ and I’s past it seemed weird and unnatural to bring someone else up, even if the boys had no idea about our quote un-quote secret relationship. A couple of months ago, after a tiring day of surfing, drinking, and smoking JJ kissed me. A beautiful, soul-shattering kiss, a kiss that leads to sex, which leads to more sex that lasted for about two months before we mutually decided it was best to cut things off. I knew he didn’t want a serious relationship, and I couldn’t risk losing our friendship over my growing feelings for him. I needed him in my life, so we called it quits with no hard feelings. We vowed to keep it a secret and to not bring it up ever again, blaming it on our human need for companionship of any form. He never knew I wanted more, it was easier for both of us that way. No embarrassment on my side and no guilt on his. Win, win. I met Ethan about a month ago, I was drunk and missing JJ, which isn’t the best thing to admit to but it’s true. We ended up having sex that night, mediocre, sloppy sex that I hated myself for. He asked me out the next day, and I agreed mostly because I felt bad, and maybe I wanted to hate myself less. The date was nicer than I expected. He’s nice and open about his feelings which is definitely not something I was use to with JJ. He’s a good change of pace, a safer more gentle wave compared to JJ’s beautifully chaotic, crashing wave. Plus he wants me back, something that’s usually good when starting a relationship. So now we’re here a month later, and it still sometimes hurts to look at him too long.  
“So you’re serious about him?” Pope clarifies, his eyebrows creased with confusion. I shift my eyes moving to JJ, who’s looking back with equal curiosity. “Serious enough” I respond quietly, my eyes still locked on his deep sea-foam eyes.  
“So when do we get to meet him?” John B’s voice makes me look away, my cheeks hot and my heartbeat quickening.  
“You’ve already met him” I groan  
“Not as Kie’s boyfriend” He smiles his big Cheshire Cat smile.  
“You’re annoying” I tilt my head and he chuckles devilishly  
“We have to grill him Kie, it's part of the Pogue pack” Pope shrugs, and I push some hair from my face.  
“I don’t grill the girls you guys date” I huff  
“Sarah” John B laughs  
“That was for a different reason and you know that” I point out, and he sighs lightly in response.  
“Well Pope and I haven’t had serious girlfriends” JJ interjects, putting emphasis on the word serious. “Feel free to grill them when we do” he winks, his signature JJ smirk on full display. I hated that smirk, especially when it was to put on a show of indifference.  
“Knowing you, I’ll never get the chance” I retort, my voice stiff, Pope chuckles.  
“Funny” He retorts, and maybe I’m just reading into things but I think he winces slightly.  
“I know”  
“Guys, chill” John B drapes his arm over my shoulder, pulling me to his side. “We’re happy for you Kie” He drops a sloppy kiss to my cheek, I shove him roughly but a bubble of laughter falls from my lips.  
“Should I be worried” I hear Sarah’s voice spring from behind me, I turn quickly to face her?  
“That I’ll kill your boyfriend.. yes you should be worried” I smile up at her, she giggles and shakes her head lightly. John B stands quickly, his goofy smile burning bright with affection.  
“Save me” He quips before he pulls her into a maybe too passionate kiss for public. She wraps her arms around him, and I can hear his sigh of content, which makes me gag quietly. I turn back to Pope and JJ who look equally as grossed out.  
“So Kie… a little birdy told me something” She sits down beside me, her smile so wide I think it could split her face in half.  
“By little birdy, you mean John B” I turn to her, she laughs her cheeks pink. “So ask then” I urge her, leaning back on my palms.  
“When, how, where?” She cheers, leaning her elbows on her thighs. I shift to look up at the bright sun, my face warm.  
“About a month… a drunk night turned into a hookup turned into dating. And I don’t know how to answer the where, the boneyard I guess” I reply, she squeals and I can’t help but laugh lightly in response.  
“So it was originally a hookup situation no strings?” She asks  
“One night, I was drunk and horny..” She smiles widely and nods “Then he asked me out and I didn’t want to be rude” I explain  
“Wow, modern-day love story” She coos and I shove her, making her laugh loudly. “I’m happy for you Kie” She pulls me into a tight hug, her lavender shampoo wafting over me.  
“Thanks, S” I smile, thankful for her support. I can always count on her for my daily dose of optimism and cheer. “These three were not as supportive” I shove Pope with my foot, he gives me a wide-eyed look.  
“Why, Ethan's a sweetheart” Sarah looks at John B, a small glare on her face. John B looks a little guilty but just shrugs in response.  
“I guess we don’t really know him, it’s just..” Pope butts in his eyes on mine “It’s a little weird” He explains, his cheeks tinting pink  
“Ya, how do we act with the guy?” John B asks  
“Normal, like you do with me” I answer  
“Bullshit, we have to be nice to him” JJ quips, and I duck my head to hide my automatic smile.  
“You’re an ass” I muse faking a glare, and he chuckles lightly.  
“So when’s the official Pogue meet up?” Sarah asks, her eyes bright with excitement.  
“I’m gonna say not for a while” I lean forward and grab a half exposed pebble, dusting off the remaining dirt.  
“Hey you can’t say you have a boyfriend and then never show him, we’ll assume it's all in your head,” John B tells me, his smirk lopsided and goofy.  
“We have to meet him Kie” Sarah interjects, a small pout on her lips.  
“I’m really regretting telling you guys” I muse looking over all of them.  
“No” Sarah pulls my arm to her chest, smiling widely. My phone rings out then, and I feel all their eyes bulge simultaneously. I see Ethan’s name flash, and my cheeks burn brightly. I debated not answering, it’s easier, less teasing, but the guilt wins over my pride.  
“Hey” I answer, keeping my eyes on the sand.  
“Hey, sorry if I interrupted anything” He responds, I shake my head even though he can’t see me.  
“No, you didn’t I’m just with the guys and Sarah” I mumble, running patterns on the inside of my thigh.  
“Oh, well... I just wanted to say hi… is it weird that I miss being around you” He chuckles lowly, and I try not to let the sarcastic response float off my tongue.  
“I’m pretty awesome so no” I say instead, suddenly feeling JJ’s eyes burn through me. I know I shouldn’t feel weird, Ethan’s my boyfriend but when JJ’s eyes land on me I somehow always feel completely seen. Like he can read me better than I can read myself.  
“Did you want to hang out later, we could watch a movie or something” He asks, my eyes move up to JJ’s automatically, he’s staring back.  
I turn away from him before I answer “Um, do you want to meet everyone tonight instead, we could go to the boneyard” I ignore Sarah’s squeal of delight.  
“Ya that would be awesome” I can hear the smile in his voice it makes me smile lightly to myself. Ethan was somehow always in a good mood, perpetually optimistic, it was one of the things I really liked about him.  
“Okay, well I’ll text you the details then” I nod even though he can’t see me  
“Okay… well I’ll see you tonight” he chuckles  
“Ya, see you tonight” I reply, I wait for the click on his end before I turn my phone off. I look up slowly, my cheeks heating as I notice all of their intrigued stares. “Shut up” I huff annoyed, Pope and John B chuckle in response.  
John B tilts his head back like he’s getting ready to let out a loud scream instead he yells “Kie’s got a boyfriend” I lunge forward immediately tackling him to the sand, he laughs loudly. I pin him down with my body weight, shoving his head into the warm sand. “Kie” He groans out, making me laugh  
“Don’t fuck with me then” I lift myself up, dusting the sand off my arms. “That goes for all of you” I point out, shifting back to my towel.  
“I could take you” JJ winks, a challenging smile on his face. I grab a small fist full of sand slowly, keeping my eyes glued to his, he doesn’t seem to notice.  
“Wanna bet?” I ask smiling condescendingly at him, he nods slowly that’s when I chuck the hand full of sand at him, before launching myself at him. I pin him down, as he wipes at his face, spitting out the remaining sand, it makes me laugh loudly. “Want to retract your statement Maybank?” I ask, tilting my face to meet his, my hair falls into my face. He twists under me, but I keep him pinned in place.  
For a second I think he might push the hair out of my face, a softer look blooming on his face, but then he retorts loudly “Fat chance Carrera” suddenly he’s spinning us, so I’m pinned under him, his chest against my back.  
“JJ” I groan trying to wiggle free, but he’s too strong.  
“Surrender” He whispers hotly against my ear, I shiver involuntarily.  
“In your dreams” I spit back, my voice muffled slightly  
“Why yes I do have many dreams of you surrendering to me, but different circumstances Carrera” I can hear the grin in his voice, and again I shiver involuntarily. Yes, we’ve had sex, if I’m honest about our almost sort of relationship, it was mostly sex. Good sex, the best sex I’ve ever had but still just sex. So when he says things like this, things he use to say to me even before us, things he says to every hot girl, it makes me angry.  
“Get off me” I spit out, the edge evident in my voice. This is where he’d laugh and push further into me.. before anyway, before we fucked! Now he shifts off of me, the smile dropping off his face, as I stand and wipe the sand off of me. “You’re a pig” I roll my eyes, as John B chuckles loudly. He quickly smiles, and winks, the thick mask back in place.  
“This is why Kie’s the boss boys” Sarah explains as I sit down beside her, keeping my eyes off JJ. I knew I shouldn’t be mad, I shouldn’t feel anything but I couldn’t help the hurt coated with irritation inside of me.  
“That’s right” I lean back on my palms moving my face up to the warm sun, hoping it gives me a serotonin boost.  
…  
“You’ve already met them” I smile as Ethan nervously smooths down his button-down for the hundredth time tonight.  
“I know, but it’s different now” He explains, his eyes moving to meet mine. That's what everyone was saying, that it’s different now that we’re official.  
“It won’t be that much different” I promise, taking his hand and giving it a gentle squeeze of reassurance.  
“They’re gonna be protective,” He says, his eyebrows raised  
“Ethan” I chuckle, and he sighs loudly. “I promise it’ll be fine, just be your usual charming self” I nudge him lightly with my hip, he smiles.  
“I am pretty charming” he grins, and I roll my eyes. “I got you didn’t I” He adds, and it makes me laugh quietly.  
“Jury’s still out on that” I tap him on the shoulder, and he lets out a small huff. “Kidding” I move into his side as he drops his arm over my shoulder. He stops suddenly and I look up at him confused.  
“I’m really happy that you said yes” He blurts  
“Said yes?” I question  
“To being my girlfriend” He explains, and I felt a tiny ache expands through my chest.  
“E” I smile lightly, the ache intensifying. He leans down to peck my lips lightly, the taste of peppermint strong. I smile and reach up to run my fingers gently through his hair before responding “I’m glad you asked” He smiles widely and drops another soft kiss to my lips.  
“We should go, I don’t want them to think I made us late” He laughs, and I sigh loudly. “They’re gonna love you” I assure, wrapping my arm lightly around his middle. I spot all of them by our usual tree, drinks in hand and smiles bursting across all their faces.  
“Sup fuckers” I call and Ethan drops his arms from my shoulders, suddenly becoming stiff.  
“Finally” Sarah squeals her eyes wide with what I assume is excitement. She rushes over her eyes moving to meet Ethan’s, who looks frozen in spot. “Love the shirt Ethan” She exclaims and I smile at her enthusiasm.  
“Oh..” He looks down at his shirt “Thanks” He smiles politely back, she nods. She turns back to me her eyes bright and wide, basically yelling he’s so cute, it makes me blush.  
“Kie we should get drinks ya,” She asks interlocking out hands. I turn to Ethan who again looks panicked, or maybe I’m reading into things.  
“Um…” I turn back to her, she nods lightly. “You good E?” I ask quietly, feeling bad, he smiles and nods reassuringly. “You want a beer then?” I ask, my hand moving to touch his arm lightly, he seems to relax into my touch.  
“Ya, that’d be great babe” He leans down to peck my lips, I nod. My eyes move across the group, John B and Pope are hiding grins while JJ looks down at the sand, his hair falling into his face.  
“Be nice” I order, Pope nods curtly, and then Sarah’s dragging me away. “We shouldn’t have left them” I complain as I spot John B move towards Ethan his hand outstretched.  
“Don’t be dramatic Kie” Sarah laughs I shove her, making her laugh harder.  
“He’s just super nervous” I explain feeling my cheeks burn as she smiles knowingly at me. “Well can I just say you two are so cute together like actually adorable” She shakes me gently.  
“Sarah” I groan, making her glare at me.  
“I’m serious Kie… but fine I’ll drop it” She sighs dramatically as we stop at the drinks. I turn back and spot John B, Pope, and Ethan laughing together, it makes a smile pop onto my face. My eyes drift to JJ, who’s standing a couple of feet away, his posture rigid, and his face stony. “Kie” Sarah’s voice brings me back, a blush on my face.  
“Sorry” I mumble as she hands me two solo cups filled with beer, I refrain from complaining about the single-use plastic, my mind still on the boys and Ethan.  
“See I told you they’d get along” Sarah whispers as we make our way back to the group. All but one, but I just nod in response. Sarah sidles up to John B, handing him a cup with a wide completely in love smile, he bends down and pecks her lips lightly in response. I turn to Ethan, who’s listening intently to Pope, I hold the cup out to him, he takes it without turning away from Pope. Sarah and John B seem to be in their own world now, completely enthralled with each other. I watch the pair curiously, their soft smiles saying more than words could. John B lets out a small laugh, more like a huff of air before leaning his head against hers with a content sigh. Sarah reaches up, pushing some hair from his eyes, with an adoring look on her face. Everything with them makes sense, you can see how connected they are with each other. They move in tune, like their bodies understand each other. It’s something I’ve never experienced, it sends a sharp pang through me. My eyes move suddenly to JJ, like I could feel him staring, which he is. His eyes are hard, and He’s clutching his beer tightly. His hair is messy and falling into his eyes, I have to squeeze my fists to keep from reaching out to push it away. When I meet his hard eyes, my stomach plummets, and I quickly look away. I shifted closer to Ethan, forcing my eyes to stay glued to Pope. Ethan reaches out, pulling me flush against his side, a small huff of surprise escapes my lips. I look up and he smiles down at me, my heart hammers loudly in my chest.  
“You were right” he whispers against my ear  
“About” I stutter, feeling my cheeks heat.  
“I was nervous for no reason, your friends are great” He explains pushing a curl from my face. I give him a small smile in response, my loud heartbeat making it hard to form a coherent sentence. A pit forms in my stomach as he turns back to Pope and now John B, I quickly shake it off and take a small sip of my beer.  
…  
“I’m just saying” Ethan slurs and stumbles, I quickly reach for him, wrapping my arms around him to keep him steady.  
“I know E” I laugh, trying to get him inside his house, thank god his parents were out of town I don’t think this would be a great first impression. I fumble with his keys but finally, I get the front door open, as Ethan starts humming lowly to himself. “Okay which ways your room,” I ask, looking around the huge foyer.  
“Down the hall” he hiccups, I drag him forward. The hall is covered with framed photos of Ethan and his parents. I quickly realize he’s an only child, I never asked before. I spot a photo of him on a horse, I never knew he rode horses either. “This door” He exclaims, breaking me from the photos. I reach forward while trying to keep him semi-balanced against me and the wall, while I open his bedroom door. I flick on the lights and I’m immediately surprised at how clean his room is. His bed is made, and there’s absolutely nothing littering the floor, unlike mine. I help him onto his bed, he lets out a loud sigh as he drops onto his pillow and shuts his eyes.  
“Comfy” I smile, trying to pull the blankets out from under him, but he’s heavier than he looks.  
“Come see for yourself” he slurs, and I can’t help but chuckle lightly at his drunken flirting.  
“Charming” I laugh shutting off the lights before I crawl in next to him. He grunts lowly, as I nuzzle under the blankets.  
“I had a good time tonight” He whispers, his voice low.  
“Ya, I can tell” I laugh, turning on my back to stare up at the ceiling.  
“Funny” He mumbles and I smile “I just mean your friends are nicer than I expected” He explains, and I crane my neck to face him.  
“What did you expect?” I ask a bit defensively  
“I just didn’t think they’d accept me right away” He answers turning to face me, his eyes still closed. “I thought they’d all act like JJ” he chuckles and I feel myself freeze.  
“JJ?” I question  
“Ya, he was the only one that… well you know” He answers.  
“Was he being a dick?” I ask, trying to remember how they were interacting earlier that night. I don’t remember JJ acting anyway, if anything he was way quieter than usual.  
“He just didn’t talk to me all night, which isn’t a huge deal we did just meet… but it did seem like he didn’t like me” The light from the hall filters in so I can see his eyes crack open slowly. I must have a weird look on my face because he seems to backtrack by saying “I know JJ’s just like that, he comes off kind of rough” I refrain from commenting that almost everyone I know who meets JJ likes him because he’s so charming.  
“Maybe you just read him wrong” I suggest  
“Maybe” He agrees, then he shifts closer to me, his arm falling over my waist. “But despite that, I had a great night” He smiles moving in to kiss me. His hand grips my waist tightly as he pulls into him, a low moan escaping his lips. His lips travel to my neck, as his hand moves slowly under my tank-top. I try to melt into him, let the lust take over my frantic brain, but the pit in my stomach seems to grow. I can smell the beer on him, which usually I wouldn’t mind but my mind won’t stop racing.  
“E” I push against his chest lightly, my voice a bit wobbly.  
“What?” He sounds breathless  
“I’m just… tired” I explain, feeling that familiar ache in my chest.  
“Oh.. ya okay, let’s sleep then” He smiles sweetly back at me, leaning in to gently peck my lips.  
“Thank you” I smile back, he pulls me into his arms, and I quickly nuzzle into his side. He falls asleep quickly, his loud snores filling the silent room. I let my hand drift over his chest, trying to lull myself to sleep, but the ache was uncomfortable and seemed to grow. I hated that JJ burned behind my closed eyes, the hard look in his eyes staring back at me, making anger build inside of me. I needed to stop, this wasn’t healthy and it’s definitely not fair to Ethan. JJ and whatever we were is in the past, are some tiny speck in the grand scheme of things. It’s not like a normal relationship that I can avoid, JJ is family, he will always be in my life and that definitely doesn’t make it easier to get him out of my head. I cared for him because I loved him as a human, and maybe in the past it was more or could have been, but now it’s just a Pogue thing, it will only ever be a Pogue thing.


	2. Polysporin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lot's of Considerate Kie in this chapter😊

We’re all floating aimlessly on our surfboards, trying to catch our breaths. We’ve been out here since the butt-crack of dawn, and now it’s sometime past noon. I heave a soft sigh laying down on my board and dropping my fingers into the cool water, moving back and forth slowly. My head lulls to the side, and my gaze moves over all of my boys slowly taking them in. Pope looks exhausted as he lays face down on his board, his arms dropped in the water, I smile at the sight. John B’s leaning back on his palms, his face turned up to the sun, like he’s taking in as much as he can. That boy can never get enough of the daylight, he thrives in the hot sun! JJ’s still straddling the board, his legs slowly treading water, creating small ripples around us. He’s faced forward, watching the water with that intense look on his face. The one he only uses when he feels like no one is watching him, when he’s at peace. It’s a tell of his, it usually means he’s deep in thought, anxious even. I shift up on my board, pulling my knees to my chest. His eyebrows furrow further and I notice his grip tightens on the board, his knuckles turning white. He was definitely stressed about something, but I knew better than to bring it up so blatantly. I look over at John B, who’s still staring up at the sun with a wide goofy smile on his face. Sometimes he could be completely oblivious! Pope was still face down, probably power napping.   
“Race you” I blurt, both John B and JJ turn, but my eyes are locked on JJ’s. He quickly throws on that signature smirk, the hard concentration gone from his eyes. He switched it off so quickly, and easily, It always made my stomach tighten into small knots. I wonder how many times he had to hide from his dad, physically and emotionally. That thought always sent a bout of nausea my way, but I quickly shake it off and raise a challenging eyebrow in his direction.   
“Where?” He asks, the smile evident in his voice.   
“To the next wave”   
“Deal, but you have to back off at the end if I have the lead” He points out, his eyebrows quirked  
“Obviously” I roll my eyes.   
“Not obvious for you Kie, you like to win” He exclaims but I can hear the smile in his voice again, it makes me smile.   
“He’s right” John B agrees  
“Shut up, and get ready to lose” I smirk before I turn forward, shifting so that my legs fall on either side of the board, ready to paddle out.   
“JB, you count” JJ instructs, leaning forward as well, his muscles flexing unconsciously. “Ready?” John B asks, the amusement loud in his voice. I nod quickly before I turn back, facing straight ahead of me. “One two three.. go” He chants, and as if on autopilot I lean forward, bring my legs up on the board and start paddling as fast as possible. I make sure not to turn to JJ, keeping my eyes straight ahead on the upcoming wave, willing myself to go faster. My arms burn, and I can feel JJ beside me, but I keep pushing forward, not wanting to give him the satisfaction of beating me. I turn to look at him finally, to see If I should keep going or step back for him to take the wave. We’re neck and neck which makes a smile grow on my face, as he turns to face me. We lock eyes and I can’t help the grin that grows on my face, a matching one grows on his too. I turn forward, deciding that I’ll give it another couple of seconds before I fall back the ache in my arms building. But then out of the corner of my eye, I see JJ pause before he shifts his board and turns back giving me the room to continue on the wave up ahead.   
“Ya Kie” I hear Pope and John B call, and it makes my smile widen just before I duck dive under the wave. It’s an easy ride, a perfect wave, but it still makes pride fill my lungs. When I paddle back the boys are already waiting in the sand. JJ starts clapping, his head tilting slightly a small proud smile on his face. The boys follow along and I take a small bow making them chuckle lightly.   
“You’re just lucky I was tired from catching so many today” JJ muses, I roll my eyes and nudge him with my board. “Kidding… Good race” He extends his hand for me to shake, I give him an incredulous look, he shrugs.   
“Just more proof that I’m a better surfer than you Maybank” I shake his hand, a triumphant look on my face.   
“Sure” He mocks, making John B chuckle loudly. “In your dreams Carrera” I shove him gently again.   
“Can we go back now, I’m starving” John B interjects, his arm falling around me.   
“Yes” Pope agrees, I can still see the imprint of the board on his cheek.   
“The wreck?” I ask, they all nod in agreement. I go to lift my board, but then JJ’s there picking it up with his. “I can do it” I start  
“Winner doesn’t carry their board” JJ responds, a duh look on his face.   
“Right” I nod, grabbing my bag “I wouldn’t have carried yours” I laugh   
“Ya I know” he retorts, as he starts towards the van with John B and Pope. My eyes fall to his arms, my stomach twisting tightly with desire. He had beautiful arms, the kind girls fantasize about. Naturally strong, and defined from years of hard labor and surfing. A vivid image of his strong arms pinning me to the wall outside the Chateau burned behind my eyes, making heat pool inside of me.   
“Kie” Pope’s voice breaks me from my JJ induced trance, my cheeks flush violently. I realize that I’m still standing in the same spot, the boys already at the van. I shake the heat off me and quickly rush towards them, hoping my cheeks aren’t too flushed.   
“You alright there?” John B laughs, I shove him which only makes him laugh harder. My phone beeps, as I slide into the van, Pope slides in beside me. It’s a text from Ethan, he’s wondering if I want to meet up tonight.   
“What are we doing tonight?” I ask as John B starts the car. “I think Sarah wants to go to the boneyard” John B answers “So if you guys are down”   
“Always down for a drink” JJ asserts happily  
“We know” Pope retorts, and JJ’s grin widens.   
“Why?” John B looks at me through the rearview mirror.   
“Ethan was asking if I was free” I answer  
“Invite him” John B smiles, I nod slowly.   
“So that must mean you like him,” I remark, keeping a straight face.   
“He’s alright” John B nods averting his eyes.   
“You just like him cause he’s the only one who laughs at your jokes” Pope quips his eyebrows raised.   
“I’m hilarious and everyone knows that” John B retorts quickly, making us all laugh. “See”   
“We’re laughing at you bud” JJ pats his shoulder, and John B groans quietly.   
“So you guys like him then?” I ask, keeping my voice light and nonchalant.   
“He seems nice” Pope acknowledges, his eyes moving to the window. “Not at all your type though” he adds almost like an afterthought.   
“What?” I huff, and he turns to face me quickly, his cheeks pink. “He just.. doesn’t seem.. you know” He stutters, and I just stare confused.   
“He’s the complete opposite of what you usually go for Kie” John B butts in, I turn to him now.   
“In what way?” I ask, trying to keep the defensiveness from my tone. I don’t know why but this remark made me uneasy!   
“He’s… clean” John B claims, and now I’m even more confused   
“Clean?!”   
“You know neat, seems like he has a plan for everything and doesn’t like to stray from it” he explains further. Ethan was a planner, he insisted on planning most aspects of our dates, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t spontaneous or fun.   
“So he likes to plan how is that a bad thing?” I rebuttal  
“It’s not, but usually…” Pope interjects, his voice quiet in the silent van. “You just like adventure and passion, he seems simple” his cheeks tint pink again as he speaks “You know you want to travel the world” The words twist something inside of me because I knew he was referring to the time I turned him down. I turn back to the window, my cheeks feel too hot and my heart is racing too quickly.   
“People change, maybe Kie needs someone clam you know to balance out her crazy ass” JJ speaks up, my eyes dart to him but he’s facing forward, his sandy hair the only thing I can see. “Someone to tell her skinny dipping in the arctic isn’t a good idea” he adds with a small laugh.   
“Ya plus I don’t think this group could handle another crazy person” John B adds, and I feel the pressure inside of me ease just slightly.   
“Ya, it’s nice not to be the only smart one in the group,” Pope remarks, and we all burst out laughing. I shove him, but I can’t stop the laughter from bubbling out of me.   
…  
“That’s so not true” Ethan laughs, his arm moving around me slowly. I look him up and down slowly taking in his khakis, and button-up, complete Kook look.   
“Dude you’re wearing khakis” John B laughs before he takes a small sip of his beer.   
“They’re comfortable and fashionable” He defends making me smile lightly to myself.   
“Khakis are not comfortable” John B disagrees immediately   
“How would you know?” I ask eyebrow raised, He blushes and turns to Sarah who smiles widely.   
“He wore a pair when he had dinner with my parents” She explains, before dropping an affectionate kiss to his cheek.   
“Awhh JB” JJ coo’s, dropping a sloppy kiss to his other cheek, John B shoves him roughly making him laugh loudly.   
“Like you wouldn’t to impress a girl” John B retorts in a huff.   
“I’m impressive as it is” JJ responds with a smirk, I roll my eyes.   
“Ya right” John B shoves him again. “You don’t understand you’ve never been in a real relationship, commitment changes you” John B explains, his cheeks still tinted pink. Sarah seems to melt at the comment, shuffling closer to him and tucking herself into his side. My eyes slide back to JJ who seems to have gotten a bit stiff, his eyes hard as he stares straight ahead at the crashing waves. His eyes suddenly meet mine, and I feel my heartbeat quicken immediately. His eyes softened, and I felt the sudden urge to reach for him, tell him he’s capable of commitment even if it wasn’t with me, he’s worth more than just a night of fun. Then Ethan pulls me flush against his side, and the spell between us is broken and I feel the guilt seep in.   
“Before Kie, I never wore reef-safe sunscreen” Ethan smiles widely, I hear Sarah coo lightly to herself. “You made me care about the environment” He adds before pecking my lips. I try to smile, but the heat in my cheeks was too distracting and I could still feel JJ’s eyes on me.   
“Who needs commitment” JJ remarks and I turn back to him, he stands, his beer sloshing slightly. His eyes connect with mine as he speaks “When you have sexy tourons” My stomach twits tightly and I quickly turn away, hating the hurt that seeps through my blood. “Watch how impressive I am” I know he’s talking to John B now.   
“You’re not that impressive” John B calls after him   
“Watch and learn” He responds and I can hear the smirk in his voice.   
“He’s a jackass” John B laughs, but the fondness was still evident in his voice. I can’t help but look up, my eyes landing on JJ’s back as he leans into a very petite, blonde Touron. She laughs and reaches for his arm, but he quickly tilts away from her so her arm falls back to her side. He hates being touched by strangers even if he’s flirting, he always has to make the first move. I notice her smile dim just slightly as she recovers by pushing some hair behind her ear. Then he moves just an inch closer, my heart hammers as he reaches out to run his finger up her arm excruciatingly slow.   
“He does work fast” Ethan murmurs and that’s when I notice he’s staring at the exchange too with curiosity rather than disdain.   
“He’s a charmer” I reply sarcastically, Pope chuckles.   
“Does it always work?” Ethan laughs, his cheeks pink.   
“I don’t like to give him a bigger head than he already has so I’d never tell him this but… ya it works every fucking time” John B answers with a small shake of his head.   
“Why?” Ethan laughs, his eyes moving back to a flirting JJ.   
“It’s the eyes” I blurt, and my cheeks immediately burn as they all turn to me. “Girls are suckers for blue eyes” I stutter, feeling my heart pound against my ribs. Why the fuck did I have to be so painfully obvious!   
“True” Sarah agrees and a small breath of relief escapes my lips   
“I have brown eyes” John B states, and Sarah giggles   
“You have sexier eyes than JJ” She takes his face in her hands and places a gentle kiss on his lips. “Plus You commit to the brown-eyed boy” She giggles, and I smile at the pair.   
“I have brown eyes” Ethan whispers to me, his breath hot against my ear.   
“You have gorgeous eyes” I reply with a small smile, he pecks my lips. I lean my head on his shoulder, keeping my eyes glued to the crashing waves rather than the JJ. My eyes drift and land on Pope, who’s staring softly back at me. He has a strange look on his face, one that makes anxiety race through my veins. He quickly smiles, an awkward Pope smile that makes me sigh in relief and smile widely back. Pope promptly got back into the conversation between Sarah, Ethan, and John B, easily relating to Ethan’s love of reading. I drone out, moving my gaze back to the water hoping it clears my cluttered head.   
…  
“Hey, you okay” Sarah whispers, her wide eyes filled with worry. She’s probably referring to my absence in almost all conversations tonight. It’s not like I was purposefully trying to keep quiet, I just felt oddly out of place, and I just wanted to go home.   
“Ya,” I reply, giving her a reassuring smile. She looks me over, and I can tell she’s unconvinced, and I don't want her to keep asking because eventually I’ll give in!   
“Just need another drink” I add with more enthusiasm, standing quickly.   
“Oh, me too” Pope stands, dusting the sand off his shorts.   
“You still good?” I look down at Sarah, who’s still giving me a pinched look.   
“Ya,” she nods, finally smiling back. “And no more for John B, he’s already wasted” She orders with a soft smile.   
“I am not” John B slurs, his eyes bright. She crawls over to him laughing, he quickly envelops her in a bear hug. I look over at Ethan who’s smiling at John B and Sarah.   
“What about you E?” I ask   
“I’m driving so I’m good” He assures, I nod.   
“Just us then” Pope slings his arm around me as we start walking towards the drinks.   
“I guess so” I smile up at him.   
“There she is” Pope squeezes me lightly   
“What?” I laugh   
“That's the first real smile you’ve had all night” He explains, and I feel it start to slip. “Not the best night?” He asks, his voice quieter. I feel the familiar flutter of anxiety as I quickly shrug off the question. I didn’t know how to answer, because I wasn’t even sure why I felt so off tonight. “You know..” He stammers, staring straight ahead now. He seems to freeze as we stop at the keg, his eyes anywhere but on me.   
“I’m okay” I squeeze his arm, understanding he’s not the best with words.   
“You can talk to me Kie” He blurts, turning to face me.   
“I know…” I start but he shakes his head and I raise my brows confused   
“About guys I mean…” He explains, his voice squeakier than usual. I knew he was uncomfortable, but he cleared his throat before continuing. “I want to know about your guy problems... I mean I don’t want you to be having guy problems… but if” He stammers and I can’t help but smile at his clear distress.   
“You don’t have to Pope” I try but he sighs lightly and I nod slowly.   
“I know me and you wouldn’t have worked, I know now that it was mostly because you are the only girl who listened to me, and I confused our friendship for something more… I know that now so there's no hard feelings for that night okay, like none and I want you to be able to talk to me about Ethan or..” He pauses again, and I swallow thickly. “Or any guy” He finishes with a soft huff. I felt a sudden surge of emotions swell through me at his declaration. Times like this really reiterate why I love my boys so much, why I am and always will be a Pogue.   
“Thank you” I pull him in for a hug, dropping my head into the crook of his neck. He smelt like old spice and the ocean, so perfectly Pope. When I pull away I can hear the faint sound of a fight starting, it makes me sigh loudly at Pope who nods with wide unimpressed eyes. Every boneyard party has at least one fight, it’s usually some testosterone-filled boys arguing over a girl who isn’t interesting in either of them.   
“Is it even a party without the signature fight” Pope laughs  
“It baffles me how easy it is to result in violence” I reply my eyes moving around Pope who’s filling our cups. I recognize Rafe immediately, it almost makes me laugh that is until I spot who he’s fighting with… JJ. JJ’s fist connects with Rafe’s jaw, and I swear I can hear the crack from where I’m standing.   
“Kie” Pope notices my gaze and follows it, his posture goes rigid almost immediately. I feel my heart twist tightly as Rafe, slams JJ down into the sand, a pained groan escaping his lips. I surge forward almost instinctively, running toward the pair, sand flying out behind me.   
“JJ” I call, pushing past a group of girls staring slack-jawed. This wasn’t just a spat between the pair who despise each other, blood was being drawn on both ends. He doesn’t hear me, too busy kneeing Rafe in the gut before testing them so he’s now looming over him, his arm drawn back again. “JJ” I call again this time moving closer, hoping this time he actually listens to me, and he does. He has Rafe pinned by the neck as he turns to look at me, his hair falling into his face, I notice his split lip and darkened cheekbone. “What the fuck?” I yell, my eyes hard.   
“Kie leave” His voice is stiff and clearly filled with anger.   
“Don’t J, it is not worth it, he’s definitely not worth it” I cross my hands over my chest and tilt my head, anger seeping through me. JJ looks back down at Rafe, who has a sick smile on his face that makes me want to punch him.   
“Dude” I hear Pope behind me, JJ leans further into Rafe, pressing harder, I’m about to step forward but then he lets go and stands quickly. He staggers back towards us, his eyes still glued to Rafe, who’s coughing into the sand trying to catch his breath. I notice his knuckles are split, blood already drying in the cracks. He pushes the hair from his face, sucking in a steadying breath before he turns to us with hard eyes.   
“Who needs a drink?” He cheers, his eyes on mine. Everyone around us cheers loudly, and he smiles proudly out at the group. Annoyance bubbles inside of me, as he pushes past Pope and me with a small huff.   
“That was so fucking hot” a brunette girl with perfect sun freckles and long legs squeals. She doesn’t look familiar so I assume she’s a Touron. JJ doesn’t say anything just walks to the keg, pours himself another beer, chugs it, and wiping his mouth with his arm, before finally turning to face the waiting girl. He flashes his perfectly crooked smile and that small gesture makes the anger inside of me almost unbearable.   
“No” I turn to the girl, who peels her eyes away from JJ, her lust morphing into disdain quickly. “That was not hot, that was stupid, so I suggest you go find someone else sweetie” I smile sweetly at her, and she only stares back confused. “Leave” I clarify, dropping the smile. She looks back at JJ who offers her no support thankfully then quickly turns to leave.   
“Jealous Kie” JJ chuckles, and I feel my skin burn.   
“You’re a fucking asshole” I almost yell, and he turns his eyes back to the keg, a classic JJ move to avoid eye-contact.   
“What the fuck just happened” John B rushes over, Sarah and Ethan in tow.   
“Ya JJ please explain” I urge, he turns to John B with a small smile and shrugs.   
“What did my brother say?” Sarah steps up, her tone filled with worry, JJ’s smile dims just a little.   
“Same old kook shit” He answers, I can hear the sharpness of his tone.   
“JJ” John B warns lightly  
“Jesus how am I at fault right now, I didn’t fucking start the fight” his voice is tight and clearly uncomfortable.   
“No, but you finished it right?” I ask, and he still doesn’t look at me, I hate how angry I am. He’s detaching himself and something inside of me snaps, so I grab his chin and pull his eyes to meet mine… finally. “That was not okay” I start, his blue eyes soften slightly and I breathe a sigh of relief. “Clean the cuts on your knuckles, and stop being such a fucking idiot” I demand before quickly dropping my hand and taking a step away from his intoxicating smell. I look around the group and feel my annoyance spike at their confused faces. “Why do I always have to be the responsible one?” I ask before I take Ethan's hand and start marching towards the parking lot, I am beyond ready to go home!   
…  
After apologizing for the crazy night, Ethan dropped me home, leaving me with a very gentlemanly kiss on the cheek. I was thankful he didn’t ask to come in, I really just needed to go to sleep for as long as humanly possible. I wash the salt and sand off with a quick shower, letting the hot water also ease some of the tension in my muscles. After my shower I tunnel under my covers, sighing contently. I was so exhausted but I couldn’t get the image of JJ’s bruised face out of my head. I hate when he fights, if I’m really honest I hate how easy it seems for him, almost like second nature for him to defend with his fists. The thought makes me queasy, but no matter how uncomfortable it was for me, the sad truth is that it’s JJ’s life. I felt tears spring to my eyes as the feeling of uselessness fills me. I want so badly to help him, make the pain inside of him disappear and fill the space with the happiness he deserves. My phone beeps loudly, breaking me out of my cocoon. I reach across the blanket and blindly move my hand up and down trying to find my phone, it beeps again and the light helps. I squint as I turn the brightness down, and my eyes focus enough to see JJ’s name, he texted me.   
“Sorry,” He wrote, and it makes fresh tears sting my eyes. I clutch the phone to my chest and look up at my ceiling. I take a small breathe before I unlock my phone to respond, and I notice the bubbles pop up, so I wait. “I put Polysporin on my cuts” The message makes me laugh loudly to myself.   
“Who reminded you?” I reply smiling widely   
“Pope”   
“The only one I can trust to listen to me”   
“I listen” The response sends a tingle through me, but I quickly shake it off.   
“Goodnight Maybank”   
“Night Carrera”


	3. I feel Crazy

“Sarah” I groan and half laugh, but quickly cover it with a glare. She giggles feverishly, falling back into the soft couch. She was currently trying to recreate a Tic Tok for the millionth time, and the stupid song was really annoying.  
“I can’t get it” She hiccups, her eyes watery from laughing so hard  
“Maybe that means you shouldn’t” I suggest, she sticks her tongue out at me before standing again. “No please no more Tic Tok” I lean further into the couch, bringing a pillow over my face.  
“Why do you hate it so much?” She asks, and I hear the familiar music playing, so I know she’s making one as we speak.  
“Because it’s pointless” I reply  
“Agreed” Pope adds from the floor, his eyes still glued to his book.  
“It’s funny” She retorts, watching her draft over again. “Look” She turns it around for us to see a huge bubbly smile on her face.  
“No” she glares at me making me smile widely.  
“Kie just come try it” She begs, and I shake my head feverishly. “Guys tell her” She whines  
“Tell Kie to do something” John B laughs, sipping his beer with wide eyes.  
“Ya Kie’s the most stubborn person to exist” JJ adds with a grin, I toss the pillow I’m holding at him.  
“I’m always right there’s a difference” I state, my eyebrows raised, making them both laugh loudly.  
“Kie just come on” Sarah whines, shaking her arms in my direction, it makes me laugh. “Just one” She negotiates  
“Sarah”  
“Just one” She urges, her arm outstretches, I sigh slowly knowing she won’t let it go. She’s probably more determined than me, which is saying something.  
“One” I reply, her frown bursts into a wide smile. “One” She nods in agreement, reaching out to grab my hand and pull me up beside her. She explains in great detail, maybe too much detail, what we’re supposed to do, I just nod along. “Okay, and don’t forget to smile” She instructs lastly, I grimace on purpose and she laughs lightly but gives me a stern look. It takes us a couple of tries to sync together, it was either one of us moving too quickly while the other tried to catch up, but we finally got It and just in time because I was about to explode.  
“Kie we look so hot” She exclaims as I let out a loud huff of annoyance and fall back down to the couch. “I’m serious” She turns her phone In my direction and I watch the short video of Sarah and I doing an absolutely ridiculous dance together. I had to admit that we did look cute, her a more approachable bubbly cute while I gave a perfect bitch face.  
“Let's see” John B snatches her phone quickly, tilting it towards Pope, and JJ. The boys watch with rapt attention which is a lot considering they never sit still.  
“It’s hot right” Sarah moves beside John B to watch it again with a happy smile.  
“Very” John B agrees with a slight croak, it makes me roll my eyes. Sarah could be vomiting her guts out and he’d still find her sexy.  
“JJ, Pope?” She asks, her curiosity rising as the boys watch it again.  
“Superhot” JJ nods, and again I roll my eyes.  
“Ethan” Sarah calls excitedly, and I turn away from JJ’s gaze to where Ethan stands at the screen door.  
“Hey” I smile standing up, I felt my cheeks burn intensely. He steps inside and sends a small wave to Sarah before his eyes land on mine. I move to peck his cheek but he catches my lips in a soft kiss that catches me off guard, but I quickly recover.  
“So you guys ready?” He looks around the room and catches John B’s eye.  
“Ready?” I ask, confused, he looks back down at me.  
“Sammy Harrison’s having a house party, I talked to John B earlier” he explains, looking back at John B, who looks a bit sheepish.  
“I forgot to mention it” John B shrugs  
“Ooh, okay well do you still want to go or..?” Ethan asks, his cheeks tinted pink.  
“Ya dude... I mean right guys” He looks around at us expectantly.  
“I’m in desperate need of booze” JJ agrees, his eyes now placed firmly on the ceiling, with his legs dangling over the couch.  
“Whatever works” Pope nods, and I can’t help but smile at Pope's easy-going nature.  
“Danielle Barett is going to be there” Sarah groans lowly, her eye moving to meet mine as she walks towards John B.  
“You two use to be close” I respond. Ethan pulls me closer to his side, his fingers splaying over my hip, the action made my cheeks flush.  
“Use to” Sarah groans lightly. “She’s just…” Her cheeks tint pink suddenly “What I’ve been trying to get away from as a kook” she explains.  
“Too rich for your taste?” JJ mocks, Sarah reaches forward and pushes him hard in the arm. “Jeez” he grunts, and John B smiles.  
“I just don’t like her” Sarah murmurs, her eyes downcast. I felt like there might be a bit more to the story, but I don’t push it.  
“So that’s a yes?” Ethan asks, a wide smile on his face.  
“Yes” John B answers for everyone, Sarah nods curtly. I shift out of Ethan’s embrace, avoiding JJ’s piercing eyes.  
“Well then I need to change” Sarah stands, her eyes finding me. I pull down my tank top, and shrug deciding it should be fine for a house party. “Well come with me then” She extends her hand to me, I take it. She pulls me into John B’s room, and I spot a pink overnight bag on the bed.  
“Staying over a lot?” I smirk, hopping onto the lumpy bed.  
“Dad’s out of town” She blushes. I watch as she pulls out a pair of denim cut-offs from her bag. “So how are things with Ethan?” She asks, her eyebrows quirked in question.  
“Things are good” I shrug, playing with a tassel on her bag.  
“Good?”  
“Ya, I mean they’re normal” I sit up my cheeks flushing. I don’t know why I felt so weird with her question, like she was insinuating something.  
“That’s good, we should totally double date” She exclaims, as she shimmies on her fresh shorts.  
“Maybe” I laugh.  
“Kie” she throws a pillow at me.  
“You and John B are so… PDA” I explain, she glares but there’s a smile on her face. She changes into a floral crop top and quickly brushes out her tangled hair.  
“I’m ready” She grins, but her smile drops and she turns to grab her floral spray from the dresser, spritzing it all over her body. “Now I’m ready” she sighs. I follow her back to the living room, quickly tying up my messy curls as we walk. It was hot today, and my thick hair was not helping.  
“Ready” John B is already by her side, placing a gentle kiss to her temple, a pang shoots through me.  
“You didn’t change?” Ethan asks, I shake my head.  
“Are you trying to tell me I should?” There's a sharp edge to my voice, and I could feel my heart begin to race.  
“No, I just thought you were going to” he explains quickly, his hands up in mock surrender. “Trust me babe you’d still look beautiful wearing a garbage bag” He grins, I nod slowly. I know he probably didn’t mean any hard, but the comment gave me a weird feeling.  
“Go change into that garbage bag then Kie” John B jokes, Sarah smiles but I notice her elbow him gently, her eyes sharp. I just glare lightly, making him grin widely at me. I watch the gang pile into the van, my legs almost take me in that direction before I remember I’m going with Ethan in his car. Ethan pulls out of the Chateau, silence stretching out between us.  
“I’m sorry about the changing comment” He blurts, I turn away from the open window to face him. He was staring straight ahead, but his posture was rigid and I knew he felt bad.  
“It’s okay, I just overreacted” I reach out to squeeze his free hand. His eyes meet mine and he smiles brightly, seeming relieved. I try not to dwell on the fact that he didn’t say I wasn’t overeating.  
“So I actually wanted to run something by you” He sounds excited. “Obviously we don’t have to, but I think it would be really fun, and I’m sure your friends would love it,” I notice his eyebrows rise as a smile spreads over his face at this comment, I keep my mouth closed waiting for the punchline. “I have a beach house on Roanoke Island, and my parents said it was totally fine if we used it for a weekend” He finishes turning to face me with bright eyes.  
“You want us to go to your beach house?” I ask, he nods. I turn to face the front, letting the idea wash over me. Part of me wanted to make up some excuse because It felt weird to invite the Pogues to Ethan’s beach house, especially JJ.  
“It could be super romantic” He adds like a selling point. I turn back to face him, his eyes are soft and hopeful. Maybe I was just overthinking everything, this could be fun, for all of us!  
“I’ll run it by the guys” I smile, and he nods victoriously. The party is packed, with people spilling out onto the front lawn. I stare slack-jawed at the full mansion and the tons of single-use plastic all over the grass.  
“This must be tough for you Kie” JJ nudges me, I groan quietly to myself.  
“What’s wrong?” Ethan asks, his arm draping over my shoulders.  
“The plastic” I explain. I notice JJ give Ethan an annoyed look, but he quickly looks away. We all make our way inside, having to push past a lot of sweaty people.  
“This house is huge” I hear John B comment, I think he was telling JJ. The inside is even more packed with sweaty drunk people, most of them grinding against someone else.  
“Booze” JJ cheers, moving past us towards the bar, filled with a variety of drinks. I watch as he slides past people, one of the girls turning clearly annoyed at his intrusion, only to drop the grimace and replace it with a flirty giggle. I roll my eyes.  
“Drink babe?” Ethan whispers against my ear, I nod in response. John B and Ethan follow JJ’s path, while Sarah, Pope, and I stay in place.  
“It’s too hot in here!” Sarah complains, fanning herself. I notice her face is sour, a sharp contrast to her usual bubbly expression.  
“Hey is everything okay?” I whisper. She turns to me, her eyes oddly sharp, and angry.  
“I don’t want to be here” She responds, her tone stiff.  
“We could go” I offer, understanding the hatred for overstuffed Kook parties. Her eyes soften immediately, then she pulls me into a warm hug.  
“You’re seriously the best” She whispers against my hair, I smile.  
“I’m serious!” I tell her, once we break apart.  
“No, thank you seriously, but I’ll be fine” She assures. I squeeze her hand, and her bubbly smile reappears. The boys finally get back without drinks, JJ’s not with them. I try not to let my eyes wander too obviously, hoping John B explains his absence.  
“JJ’s talking to Sammy Harrisons cousins, she’s visiting from Vermont.” John B grins, clearly impressed.  
“Of course he is” Sarah states. I notice Pope look at me, but I quickly look away, letting my eyes fall onto a grinding couple. I cringe immediately, but at least they look happy together. I can’t help but notice how withdrawn from reality they seem. Like they can only see each other, it’s cheesy, but a twinge of something I can’t pinpoint grows inside of me. I feel myself blush, like I was intruding on a very personal moment.  
“Let’s go outside to smoke” John B’s voice breaks me from me couple staring, thankfully.  
“Ya,” I nod eagerly, needing a break.  
“You smoke?” Ethan asks, his tone awestruck. I just stare back at him, has he not seen me smoke?  
“Ya,” I sound kind of awestruck myself.  
“I didn’t know” He explains, and for some reason, I’m super aware of everyone’s eyes on us.  
“Oh.”  
“I don’t” He states.  
“Ya, I knew that” I nod. “Um you can stay in here then okay” I try to smile up at him, but I’m not sure it’s convincing.  
“Oh... I can come out, keep you company” he tells me, I shake my head.  
“Ethan man” I hear someone call, we turn and spot Jason, Ethan’s best friend. He waves us over, a group of girls surrounding him.  
“Go” I urge, smiling overly bright for emphasis.  
“You sure?” He asks, looking vaguely concerned, like I might berate him for it later.  
“Ya, you’re allowed to hang out with other people E” I laugh, he smiles lightly in response. He ducks down to meet my lips in a brief kiss before he rushes off to Jason. I watch the pair hug and cheer, an odd feeling washing over me.  
“Let’s go” I don’t look at them, too embarrassed for some reason. I lead the way outside, trying really hard not to look for JJ and the girl he was wooing. Sarah sidles up to me once we get outside, a small smile on her face. She was probably gonna ask if I was okay, and I didn’t need her pitying me for something so… uneventful I guess.  
“I’m fine” I whisper quickly, giving her a wide falsely bright smile, she nods and her body seems to relax just a little. John B lights the joint, and I find myself itching for a drag, wanting to feel more at ease. He passes it, and I take a long drag. The deep smoke fills my lungs and clouds my head. I take another small puff and hand it to Sarah, who seems apprehensive.  
“I don’t want to mix” She explains, passing it to Pope.  
“I’m driving” Pope sighs, handing it back to John B, none of us were surprised. Pope doesn’t smoke, I think I’ve seen him high maybe twice. He doesn’t like not being in control of himself. John B takes another long drag when I hear JJ’s loud laugh. I turn and spot him and the girl walking towards us, his arm draped over her shoulders. She was small, with big brown eyes that closely resembled a doe.  
“Sup fuckers” He steps into the circle, his eyes finding the joint in John B’s hand. “I see you started without me” he adds with a grin, the girl chuckles. I instinctively take the joint from John B’s fingers, JJ’s eyes flick to me.  
“You snooze you loose bud” I give him a snarky smile before placing the joint between my lips. I think maybe he looks impressed, but then that stupid fake smirk is bright on his face. I take another long inhale, shutting my eyes as the effects wash over me. I was already starting to feel loose and tingly, my bad mood from earlier a distant memory. When I open my eyes, JJ’s still staring, a blank look on his face. This made my stomach twist into tight knots, why was he looking at me like that?  
“You want a toke?” I ask the girl, my cheeks warm, she looks back at JJ as if for permission, then nods slowly. She takes the joint from me, her face a bit stiff. Was this her first time? “You don’t have to” I add, she blushes and shrugs before placing the joint to her lips and inhaling. It was definitely not something she did a lot because she burst out into a harsh cough, her face turning pink. JJ looks alarmed, as he claps her roughly on the back.  
“I’ll go get a water” Sarah voices, sounding kind of freaked out, I nod. I step closer to her, as JJ continues to clap her on the back, his eyes wide. She stands straight waving her hand at all of us, her eyes watering.  
“Sorry” She wheezes. “I don’t smoke a lot” She adds, her voice high and strangled.  
“You still did better than Pope” JJ reassures her gently, Pope glares, but the girl smiles kindly at JJ. I felt something tug inside of me, at their soft expressions. Sarah rushes back with a water bottle in hand, her eyes still panicked.  
“Thank you,” The girl says as Sarah hands her the bottle, her voice still a bit choked up. I guess JJ found time to take the joint from her, because he was now inhaling, an easy grin on his face.  
“Sorry I didn’t catch your name” Sarah muses with a welcoming smile. The girl swallows, wiping the edges of her mouth with her sleeve before answering.  
“Amy”  
“Oh, and you’re Sammy’s cousin?” John B interjects like he doesn’t know.  
“Unfortunately” She laughs, her cheeks pink. “I’m visiting for the summer” She adds.  
“From where?” Sarah asks also like she didn’t already know.  
“Vermont” She answers “I know boring” she adds laughing lightly.  
“I went to Vermont with my family, my dad owns a lake house down there” Sarah exclaims, her tone excited.  
“Oh, ya the lake is awesome in the summer” She grins back.  
“But your here?” John B mumbles, Sarah springs her gaze to him, glaring heavily. “Just.. wondering why” John B reiterates, Amy laughs.  
“My mom wanted to spend the summer here” She shrugs “she and my aunt wanted all the cousins to bond” She adds as an afterthought.  
“Cool” John B nods, giving her a small contrite smile. JJ replaces his arm around her, a grin on his face, my heart pounds uncomfortably.  
“I love your top, by the way, I have the same one in black” She points to Sarah’s top, Sarah beams back.  
“Thank you, and I put this together last minute so don’t judge the shorts” She laughs, my eyes seem to squint.  
“No you look so cute” She waves her off, Sarah giggles.  
“Okay, I like you” Sarah exclaims, Amy blushes and grins widely. I try not to roll my eyes, but it gets increasingly hard as the conversation escalates. I needed to get away before I said something I regretted.  
“I’m gonna go get a drink” I whisper, rushing off back to the house. Why was I so bothered by this girl? It was perfectly normal for Sarah to like her, they had a lot of things in common. Rich families, fashion sense, the ability to get any guy they want! The bitterness rolled through me, and it made me nauseous. I needed to calm down, there was no need for me to react like this. I push my way through the crowd to the bar, deciding tonight would have to include a lot of drinks. I pour myself a shot and down it quickly, letting the liquid burn my insides.  
“Babe” I feel arms wrap around me from behind, my heart skips and I freeze. It’s just Ethan, I relax and turn to face him. He looks drunk. “Baby, I missed you” He nuzzles into my neck, I smile.  
“I’ve been gone for twenty minutes” I laugh  
“S’nuf time” His words slurred and jumbled.  
“How are you already wasted?” I ask, gently running my fingers in his hair.  
“Shots” He stumbles backward, I clutch his arm and pull him back.  
“You want some water?” I ask, he shakes his head. I spin and fill a solo cup with water, hoping he doesn’t notice. I hand it to him, and he smiles widely in return. I pour myself a drink and take his hand in mine, leading him outside.  
“This tastes so..” He mumbles quietly to himself, I try not to laugh. He stumbles outside but then leans against me with a small huff of air.  
“There you are” Sarah smiles at me.  
“Ya, I ran into a very drunk Ethan” I laugh as he stares oddly down into the cup.  
“This doesn’t even taste like vodka” he turns back to me, I nod.  
“Babe just drink it” I tap the cap, he nods slowly.  
“Hi, I’m Amy” Amy introduces, and Ethan looks confused.  
“Ethan” He points to himself, she nods giggling lightly.  
…  
Turns out Amy’s a big hit even with Ethan, who’s very drunk and happy. I don’t know why I’m so bothered by it. Maybe it’s because she seems so effortless here, and I feel like some stupid outsider. I don’t know why I felt so odd, like I was just watching my friends have fun. I wanted to relax, but my mind was racing and I couldn’t find it in me to pretend. So instead I’m sitting on a broken-down lawn chair watching the group play beer pong, loudly. This felt oddly like when I was in ninth grade and Sarah had all those cool friends that I couldn’t seem to impress no matter what. My heart was beating too fast and my face was uncomfortably hot. I just wanted to go home, but I knew that I’d have to come up with some excuse. Amy scores against John B and Sarah, everyone cheers loudly. JJ hugs Amy tightly, lifting her slightly, she squeals with delight. I roll my eyes and move my gaze.  
“Not feeling the party vibes,” Pope asks sitting down In the chair in front of me.  
“You just said vibes” I reply, avoiding the question. He tilts his head, giving me that signature Pope look.  
“You don’t want to talk about it?” He asks quietly  
“I’m just tired” I lie, sipping my drink.  
“I’m tired…somethings definitely wrong with you” He states matter of factly.  
“Can’t I just be tired” there's an edge to my voice, I sloshed the liquid in my cups slowly.  
“You can.. but it’s not that” He shrugs simply. Since when was Pope so eloquent with asking me how I feel.  
“Pope you don’t have to,” I say, my cheeks warm.  
“I thought we already discussed this Kie” he leans forward, leaning his elbows on his knees. “Somethings obviously wrong, can’t you just tell me… it might make you feel better” He adds, my stomach clenches tightly. What was I going to say, that I don’t like how good everyone is with Amy, and I feel like a stranger with the closest people in my life. No, he’d think I was completely insane.  
“I’m... I’m just not in the best mood.” I say instead, my heart hammering. I don’t know if he could see it in me that I really didn’t want to delve any deeper, but he didn’t push.  
“You want to go home?” He asks instead, and affections swells inside of me, I nod.  
“Okay I’ll just tell the guys, you should probably say bye to Ethan” he points out, standing. I watch as he walks over to John B and I take the opportunity to walk over to Ethan who’s watching the game with rapt attention.  
“Hey..” I call, he turns slightly, his grin wide. “I’m gonna head home.”  
“What?” He frowns.  
“I’m tired and Pope offered to give me a ride” I explain, he turns his eyes landing on Pope who’s whispering to Sarah.  
“Oh.. but babe are you sure?” He asks, I nod. “I could come if you..” But I cut him off with a quick kiss.  
“Have fun, I’ll text you tomorrow” I say once we break apart, he nods. I move over to where Pope stands next to John B and Sarah.  
“You’re leaving?” Sarah asks, a frown on her face.  
“Bitch I’m tired” I joke. She pouts then pulls me into a tight hug.  
“Call me tomorrow” She instructs, I nod.  
“Night fuckers” I flip off John B, he returns the gesture with a wide smile.  
“You’re leaving?” I hear JJ asks.  
“Yup” I nod, keeping my face neutral, he gives me a weird look.  
“Loser” he mumbles  
“Classy as always Maybank” I shove him gently, he chuckles.  
“It was nice meeting you” Amy speaks up, her big eyes on mine.  
“Ya, you too” I nod, hating how squeaky I sound.  
“Bye babe” Ethan waves, I smile back. JJ claps Pope on the shoulder a wide smile on his face, I roll my eyes but I can’t help but smile.  
“Read?” Pope asks, tucking his hands into his pockets, I nod. We make our way outside, to the parked car.  
“How are they getting home?” I ask as we hop into the van.  
“Ethan’s got his car, but they’ll probably stay the night since they’re all so drunk” Pope answers. I face the window, as we pull out of the parked driveway, thankfully we parked at the very back so no one could park us in. A small sigh escapes my lips as I run my fingers through his hair. I needed to sleep this stupid feeling off. The feeling of bitterness was leaving a sour taste in my mouth. Why do I feel so bitter, and angry? Was I really that angry at Amy, a girl I don’t even know? She wasn’t even mean or annoying, and that thought just made me more annoyed. They just met, it doesn’t mean anything! Just because he’s incorporating her into the group right off the bat.. what am I even saying?! Jesus Kie get it together! The fact that I’m jumping to these conclusions about them is fucking crazy. Plus JJ’s free to do whatever he wants with whoever he wants, and I have absolutely no right to be… annoyed!  
“Kie” Pope’s voice pulls me from my train of thought, I turn to him. “We’re here” He laughs, and I move my gaze to the front windshield. How are we already here?  
“Oh, that was quick” I unbuckle my seat belt. Was I really that enthralled in my own head? “Hey, the offer to talk still stands,” Pope says, his eyes glued to mine. What was I going to tell him, that I’m being completely crazy and annoying?!  
“Thank you, but I’m really okay Pope. I just need some food and sleep” I smile lightly, but it’s not very convincing. He reaches out and squeezes my hand gently a soft look on his face. Just when I feel tears spring to my eyes he pulls away, his cheeks tinting a light shade of pink.  
“Surfing tomorrow then?” He asks, I take a small steadying breath.  
“Of course” I smile, this time it was genuine.


End file.
